In The Queue?

Well, where do I start? It seems such along time has gone by that I thought I should write an update? Not alot has changed externally or internally but I know that by some way, shape or form I have to come back to Music, it's what I wanted from the moment I popped into the world, it's where i'm happiest...I think?  I'm not sure of much these days, it's been 5 yrs since the passing of my brother and sister and pain has always held me back  from going forward, I hoped that as time went on the pain would maybe lessen or something, i'm not really sure what i expected ?

 But what's becoming clear is I'll always be in pain and will just have to find a way to live with the shadow that follows, many do.   Chuck D said something recently that struck a chord, he said that his father had always said something like, when it comes to Life, we're all in a queue and at the end of the day there will be those who fall at the front, if you're still standing?  It's not you.  It kinda clarifies things and makes time more profound, and hits home the fragility of Life.  

The other reason making music again is hard is because alot of tracks recorded before the loss feel like they were a premonition with lyrics such as: 
"When your family and friends have gone, and the last lament is sung, oh you thought they'd live forever on and on coz we're still 16 inside" I've also had a bunch of unfinished tracks that i wanted to finish for the next wave of Music, one of them was called "Hope" and has the line:  " Whatever happens when you run out of hope?  Bottle of pills? Length of rope? "  It's hard to explain but it make's me feel sick to think while i was writing stuff like this, it was my brothers reality and i didn't even know?  But I think if I don't make something this year, I don't know if I ever will?  I feel ashamed and rather pathetic  to have been floored to such an extent  I just hope I can pull my shit together to get something sorted? 

 I'm without a studio  and producer now and i'm not even sure if that's the route i want to go back to, or whether to record it here within the safety of these four walls? 
That's how I started, like a caged animal trapped within these four walls bedbound with M.E when i recorded the first demo E.P Raw with an old 4 track on my lap, no idea what i was doing, no reverb or effects, unable to play an instrument other than a bit of guitar, but somehow or other it happened, and eventually led to the studio album "Nobody wants to know ya when ya Nobody" & E,P Runnin On Empty, but maybe I need to do that again, go back before i can forward?  If there are any Lionharts still following my journey, thank-you  Know that I am trying to get my arse back into gear.  

                                                        Forever a Life Student
                                                  Love, Peace, Stay Blessed Xxx 

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